Les Miserables

So stuff is getting tough. Apparently mood is generally meant to adapt with it. I'm meant to settle for this, not strive for more, become apathetic and unquestioning. It seems anti to my nature yet optimism chokes. It's not that I'm not grounded, that my head's in the clouds, I don't want for more. I want for easier. I want to get up without wishing I was still permanently asleep. I want to stop feeling guilty for feeling so miserable, so disjointed and distant from everyone and everything. Depression consumes and I become pessimistic, bitter even. Cynicism paves the way for seperation from loved ones, withdrawal then comes obsession. Can I really still be in love and face this ongoing battle, this daily sufferance, the constant tears inside, the actual physical pain? Is being happy really this important? Or should I just try and deal with it? Suck it up? I mean is this normal with situations in the background such as those I live with? Am I to blame my friends and my family or face up to the substantial medical facts-that this runs in my family? Or am I just indulging? Am I even ill or is it all in my head? This is not good, not even for the creative outlet?