Where I've been at recently:
I miss God, I miss the safety and certainty that comes from
knowing that you have given freely and abundantly, completely, wholly your life
over to God- that you must rely on him, trust him for everything bar nothing. I
miss that being my lifesong, my heartbeat. I miss the covering that comes with
a revelation of what salvation in Christ means. I hate that it’s my compromise
and impertinent, strident nature that has placed myself willingly in situations
leading to sin and even sought them out. I hate that another’s happiness has
got caught in the crossfire. I’ve caused and multiplied sin and not just for
myself.
I’ve learnt that it is my nature to become self-destructive
and inward focused when waves crash and I’ve learnt the patterns it takes- compromise,
pride, self-destruction, disengagement and a neglecting of faith. I am
introverted by nature which unhelpfully hinders sacrificially seeking God and
does not exactly facilitate communication with my saviour, my maker, my king.
I’ve learnt that when I gamble with my heart I often lose- perhaps because it’s
not mine to give away instead I should wait until it is found claimed not by
the highest bidder but by the one set aside by God. That actually the one who
has my heart who knows my comings and goings and ordains and numbers my days
and has done since before my birth, conception or any human contemplation he
made it, he shaped it, he knows what delights it and what shakes it. He knows
how easily it weathers and how breakable it is. And it is he that reforms it
when it gets ripped or frayed. Only he can sand off the rough edges form it
once again into something pure and beautiful. But he also exposes it to the
elements, he lets it fare the storm once in a while.
But crucially it is he who covers it. In grace a medicine so
sweet and potently powerful it combines with the blood of the saviour to form
the very elixir of life. Its taste floods the recipient with light, its
unmatched and unparallelled magnificence can raise the dead to life and restore
beyond comprehension. It can reach into the past and see far into the future.
It requires only the simplest recognition of its power. And mercy- unending and
uncompromising mercy strong and mighty not meek and mild. His mercy is not to
be underestimated or abused. Its purchase power ransoms and releases. It ends
captive droughts and opens the floodgates to a freedom so true and vivid you
want to drown.
So when as an introvert you finally wake up and see fit to
burst your own bubble you realise how fragile it was, how tentative and
vulnerable a custom built world servicing self and self only is. You realise
also that just as the sun though distant is also close- its light powerful
enough to cover the whole earth, to heat and provide light- the key to life his
love covers. It is over and above, 360 degrees in all directions for further
than light can reach, stronger and more impenetrable than that which built your
bubble or that which burst it. It was always there and it clarifies not muddies
the waters. It is the not the key to happiness but it brings so much joy. It is
not a pretty metaphor it is the way, the truth, the life. It is not abstract or
semantic, it is actual, practically tangible.
