Introvert in a bubble.

Where I've been at recently:

I miss God, I miss the safety and certainty that comes from knowing that you have given freely and abundantly, completely, wholly your life over to God- that you must rely on him, trust him for everything bar nothing. I miss that being my lifesong, my heartbeat. I miss the covering that comes with a revelation of what salvation in Christ means. I hate that it’s my compromise and impertinent, strident nature that has placed myself willingly in situations leading to sin and even sought them out. I hate that another’s happiness has got caught in the crossfire. I’ve caused and multiplied sin and not just for myself.

I’ve learnt that it is my nature to become self-destructive and inward focused when waves crash and I’ve learnt the patterns it takes- compromise, pride, self-destruction, disengagement and a neglecting of faith. I am introverted by nature which unhelpfully hinders sacrificially seeking God and does not exactly facilitate communication with my saviour, my maker, my king. I’ve learnt that when I gamble with my heart I often lose- perhaps because it’s not mine to give away instead I should wait until it is found claimed not by the highest bidder but by the one set aside by God. That actually the one who has my heart who knows my comings and goings and ordains and numbers my days and has done since before my birth, conception or any human contemplation he made it, he shaped it, he knows what delights it and what shakes it. He knows how easily it weathers and how breakable it is. And it is he that reforms it when it gets ripped or frayed. Only he can sand off the rough edges form it once again into something pure and beautiful. But he also exposes it to the elements, he lets it fare the storm once in a while.

But crucially it is he who covers it. In grace a medicine so sweet and potently powerful it combines with the blood of the saviour to form the very elixir of life. Its taste floods the recipient with light, its unmatched and unparallelled magnificence can raise the dead to life and restore beyond comprehension. It can reach into the past and see far into the future. It requires only the simplest recognition of its power. And mercy- unending and uncompromising mercy strong and mighty not meek and mild. His mercy is not to be underestimated or abused. Its purchase power ransoms and releases. It ends captive droughts and opens the floodgates to a freedom so true and vivid you want to drown.

So when as an introvert you finally wake up and see fit to burst your own bubble you realise how fragile it was, how tentative and vulnerable a custom built world servicing self and self only is. You realise also that just as the sun though distant is also close- its light powerful enough to cover the whole earth, to heat and provide light- the key to life his love covers. It is over and above, 360 degrees in all directions for further than light can reach, stronger and more impenetrable than that which built your bubble or that which burst it. It was always there and it clarifies not muddies the waters. It is the not the key to happiness but it brings so much joy. It is not a pretty metaphor it is the way, the truth, the life. It is not abstract or semantic, it is actual, practically tangible.