If I could just ....

So I recently went to a wonderful women's conference called Power To Be at 21st Century Church in Llanelli. It was great day full of truth and challenge and fun too. But a song that was used at the end really struck a chord. It's a song I have downloaded and listened to numerous times since. Of course it's a story mainly about the healing power of Jesus and His ability to tame powerful demons in a second, or heal diseases or even how quickly and easily He can cleanse a soul. But this time the chord it struck with me was how it depicts a powerful feeling I have often felt when I haven't had God in my life, or in a decision, or when I rely on myself- desperation. It can consume and envelop. It starts with a little of the negativity and ends quite quickly with a stench of self-defeat staining the fabric of your life almost completely. Believe me when I say that sadly this is not a feeling new or remote to me, even now. But it is an overcomable feeling. It is conquerable and banishable. It doesn't overwhelm. Whilst feeling desperate I this which articulates just how acutely I felt it.

Hello misery my old friend
We sit at the bar and drink to our woes
We lament and moan to our hearts content
And feel better in ourselves for it.

We let loneliness clothe like a blanket
It warms and soothes and understands
It consumes and envelops
And is comfortable and familiar.

Depression sits like smoke on the lungs
It percolates and circulates and diffuses
It poisons us. It chokes.
But we choose it again.


And yet it's not something I am luckily blighted with anymore. Because I found the answer. The remedy to unhappiness and self-loathing and darkness and desperation. I have set my eyes and thoughts on a prize worth competing for. A prize unearned yet freely given. And yet that is not the point of this post. The song tells of a woman so desperate to meet Jesus that she reaches out to touch the hem of his garment. The story in Matthew 9:20-22 is but 2 verses long and yet it resonates with people like me who have felt desperation or despair.

But as Christians it's easy to live in a state of high drama where everything is a gut-wrenchingly hard decision that requires so much sacrifice and changing yet does that really reflect life on a day-to-day basis? Is it not key also to remember God in the small decisions, reflect his love and mercy in our tiny exchanges or mediocre meetings? In the lift, at the checkout, on the bus or train to work, when our mind wanders whilst doing laundry, in the decision to meet a friend when you can't be bothered? Is our life not compiled mainly of such endeavours and encounters? And so we must also consider our thought processes, words and actions in these situations perhaps sometimes even more so. It is the people we see everyday that we can easily neglect or take for granted. What I suggest is that as Christians far from living in a state of nervous anxiety dreading the next time we get that rebuke or conviction or have to make a big decision or action a huge change and seek to safeguard ourselves from the thoughts and circumstances that lead us to those overwhelming feelings of depression, bondage, strongholds, and misery. Desperation is something we should be constantly and consistently be safeguarding ourselves against. It shouldn't be something that we find has crept up on us in the night. We shouldn't find ourselves unexpectedly at the eleventh hour in a mess but rather we should be aware of the power that our thoughts can have on us. The devil loves to hack into our minds and settle himself down nicely and poison and cloud our vision with lies. But with so many warnings littered throughout the Bible should we really be so surprised?

I have lived a life of ups and downs and I think I'll settle for emotional stability for a while. I have plenty of changing to do, visions to see become reality and dreams to watch take flight. But feel this cannot be done without a mental strength and ability to overcome my thoughts. I am bigger than my thoughts, they do not rule me and I do not belong to them. My heart belongs to God. God is bigger than how fat I feel when I look in the mirror or how bad I think my hair looks, He is bigger than that situation at work that makes me feel awkward and nervous and He is bigger than the big stuff, the scary stuff, the stuff you barely dare think about. And He will continue to remain bigger and more faithful than the rubbish you can try and replace Him with, bigger than the lies you feed yourself or start to believe and bigger than the people who let you down. His word can and does conquer all. Use it- read it, internalise it, equip yourself with it and prepare to lay it down. If rock beats scissors his strength beats the stuff that cuts through your self-confidence daily and eats away at you. Don't let yourself get to desperation before you reach out for the hem of his garment. Seek it daily and feel its power work.

Can you keep a secret?

So every Sunday without fail I log on to www.postsecret.com and read the week's most recent secrets. Every single time I am captivated, and there are some that amuse me, some enchant me, some scare me and some are mine. But it give me perspective and more than that it highlights the need for us to zoom out of our situations and spare a thought for others. It sounds patronising and weird but the saddest thing about most of these secrets is that people seem desperate to share them despite them having strongholds over people's hearts and minds. It highlights the consequences of actions, reinforces how much everyone needs someone to listen to them but overarchingly it seems clear that these people need God. Some, most, probably, without even realising it. And so I often read with a heavy heart. Had I made more of this conversation or that maybe I could have impacted that person, maybe if I'd had the balls to share my faith in that moment something might have been different -the outcome. And I've realised this week the benefit of being open to share your faith. The best encouragement I've had this week was from 2 non-Christian friends. One commented on my writing and said it captivated him the way I write and that he was glad I had this in my life and the other had retweeted a tweet of mine about God. I asked why and he said I'm glad you life has been saved. And so, the moral of this story comes as something of a cautionary tale to myself. When we worry about having guts or courage to speak up or the right words to say we limit God. When we focus on what we say we are not speaking God's words. When we loosen up, remember it's not about us and that we aren't limited by us but instead live under the authority of someone completely outside of limits and capable of miracles then it gets easier. This probably seems like a glaringly obvious truth to those less cowardly than myself. But as someone who has struggled for years and years with this and with the crippling phobia and bordering on obsession of what people think of me the mindset shift required to reconfigure my brain into believing and accepting the truth of it is largely easier said than done. But this week has served as something of an encouragement to me. I hope people continue to recognise the positive change in me and see the impact of my faith as a good thing. And, dare I be so audacious, hope that people are honest or enlightened enough to recognise and respond to the need in them for it too.

So here is something I wrote. It's not great but I liked it

Life and life in all its fullest
Not assuming and inconsequential
Without intention we're doomed to our dullest
But we need God - that much is essential.

A baptism of fire, in at the deep end
But greatness is our destiny. it's God on which we depend.
He is not a fad, craze or trend
He is, was, forever shall be, beyond our own end.

He heals, restores, redeems and requires
Our heart, our soul, our mind, our all
His grace, mercy and love is what inspires
Advancing his kingdom is our call.

And here's something that I didn't write but like lots;
Oh there's a face!
Where did you get that hair from?
Got it from a old tom cat.
Give it back then, love.
Oh there's a perm!

Where gets that nose from, Lily?
Got it from my father, silly.
You've got it on upside down!
Oh there's a conk!

Look at your complexion!
Oh no, you look.
Needs a bit of make-up.
Needs a veil.
Oh there's glamour!

Where did you get that smile, Lil?
Never you mind, girl.
Nobody loves you.
That's what you think.

Who is it loves you?
Shan't tell.
Come on, Lily.
Cross your heart then?
Cross my heart.

That's from Under Milk Wood by Dylan Thomas

Fibromyalgia Awareness Week.

So fibromyalgia is a little known disease that has wide reaching and pretty all encompassing symptoms that dictate the lives of its sufferers and their families. Most diseases are suffered by not only those who are medically diagnosed with the disease but also their carers, partners, parents and families. This is no more true I think than with fibro. I do not wish to diminish the strength and determination that truly deserves championing in those who battle the disease every day but merely wish to elevate and also honour those who devote their life to those with fibro. It's not pretty. It's an uphill struggle daily, it involves infinite amounts of time, patience, compassion, empathy and sympathy not to mention inner strength and broad shoulders! In the case of my sister who at such a young age was finally diagnosed with fibro following years of living in a medical hades where no one knew what was wrong with her would not be able to live her life as she does (as fully as possible) without the support of her boyfriend and carer Paul. The energy and time he devotes to her and the grace and love with which he does it is touching, inspiring and remarkable for someone again so young. He compromises and sacrifices so much and consequently gets his life largely sucked up by this hideous disease that consumes my sister most of the time.

For those not too sure what fibromyalgia is it can be characterised thus

• Fatigue
• Irritability
• Brain fog
• Restless legs
• Overlapping syndromes
• Muscle and joint pain
• You never feel good
• Anxiety and depression
• Loss of control
• Grief and worry
• Immuno-dysfunction
• A lifetime fight.

http://coffeehousediscussions.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/fibro.jpg

I write this blog post not to dictate guilt at you but to help raise awareness of the disease and champion those I know and who are close to me who deal with it daily. Thank you for listening.

To be or not to be the change you wish to see.

So recently I set myself some goals. I’ve been thinking more about this. I set first the goal of sorting my finances. I like the idea of 2 years to get myself debt free and I also know I love metaphors and similes and handy buzzwords to help me make lists and achieve things. So I’m sticking with the 2 thing. I know there’s a lot of chat about the power of 3 but I like the idea of 2- 2 years to get to a weight I'm happier with, 2 years to get debt free and have a new job but more than that a new job a career. So those are my goals so far. But more than that there is a more invested reason behind why I’m doing all this. Mental and physical wellbeing aside I know that something of incredible importance to me is to have people to share my life with, people to spend quality time with. Or, more specifically, a person, that special someone, the 'one’ if you like.  And I thought it would be a terrible shame if I meet that person and realise there things that need to be sorted through before I’m prepared spiritually, mentally and physically to have a proper and meaningful relationship. What if because of my laziness we have to wait until I’ve readied myself for it, prepared myself suitably for the relationship? What if by that time I’ve got myself into more of a mess and it takes 3 years to sort? Life is too short not to be preparing for future adventures. And perhaps the greatest shame of all would be if that person passes me by completely because he doesn’t think I’m ready. Ok, maybe I’m going off on a slightly unrealistic tangent here but you get the picture. If I’m going to believe in romance for myself then well I’m going to do my utmost to make damn sure I am ready. A lot of this stems from reading a blog post by a guy written in the form of a letter of commitment to his wife setting out in no uncertain terms the changes of attitude and habit he’s seeking in order to prepare himself for the role of being not only a good husband but an excellent one and a great parent to boot. I read it and thought wow this is something I want in my husband and so, therefore it would be unfair not to also be undergoing a process of transformation. I want to be a great example of what Christian women can aspire to be, a god-honouring person of strength and virtue and a good wife. True there are things I have already squandered that should have been reserved for my special someone but I confessed, and repented for those and now refuse to be judged and constrained by past mistakes or regrets. I am not and will not ever be a victim, someone ruled by past sins. I believe 100% in the saving grace of God’s mercy and forgiveness and the power of the Gospel. With that comes the great responsibility (and wonderful freedom) of taking my sin to the cross and leaving it there dealt with and forgotten. I am learning to train my mind in the ways of discipline and self-control so as to renew my mind afresh with God’s wonder and awe and discern the path God has set out for me, the partner he intends. This means many a mindset change and perspective shift. So here are the things I commit to changing about myself, the attitudes I will prayerfully work hard to destroy and the ones I will instil in myself in their place:

·         Sexual impurity- purity of thought, word and mind is what I’m about these days. It’s a tall order and naturally (though this goes without saying) purity of deed. I will save my returned virtue for you and you alone. It’s not something I’ve always done but it’s something I will be doing from now on for sure.

·         Financial imprudence – I will from now on take more time to pour my finances in to building up the kingdom not that which prevents it from advancing. I will make financially sound decisions, allow for rainy days, and make sure that my money choices reflect my heart not serve consumerist interests.

·         Letting my temper rule- I will intentionally speak positive words of life and light reflecting God’s love and hopefully sharing that with others. Not words of anger that will cause pain and suffering. I will hold myself up for scrutiny and testing in my words and promises in order to increase the accountability I should have in this area. This is a big one for me. You know that thing they say about redheads being fiery, yeah that’s kinda true. But I’m working on it and I’m getting better daily.

·         Making decisions in my own strength- Something I’ve been guilty of in the past. Call it fierce independence or stubbornness or whatever you like. But either way it was a way of making decisions that didn’t involve God. This needs to and will change. My church has this DNA called changeling. I’m trying it out for size and am ok at it all in all but still have some way to go yet.

·        

So there it is, a little rough round the edges and raw but sincere and genuine. It may require a little spiritual moulding and theological revision but in basic principle I think it holds up ok. I hope to tick things off and add to the list throughout the course of the next two years. And perhaps I need far longer than 2 years but it’s a start. I’ve always been ambitious so perhaps this is the kick up the arse I’ve needed.