So I recently went to a wonderful women's conference called Power To Be at 21st Century Church in Llanelli. It was great day full of truth and challenge and fun too. But a song that was used at the end really struck a chord. It's a song I have downloaded and listened to numerous times since. Of course it's a story mainly about the healing power of Jesus and His ability to tame powerful demons in a second, or heal diseases or even how quickly and easily He can cleanse a soul. But this time the chord it struck with me was how it depicts a powerful feeling I have often felt when I haven't had God in my life, or in a decision, or when I rely on myself- desperation. It can consume and envelop. It starts with a little of the negativity and ends quite quickly with a stench of self-defeat staining the fabric of your life almost completely. Believe me when I say that sadly this is not a feeling new or remote to me, even now. But it is an overcomable feeling. It is conquerable and banishable. It doesn't overwhelm. Whilst feeling desperate I this which articulates just how acutely I felt it.
Hello misery my old friend
We sit at the bar and drink to our woes
We lament and moan to our hearts content
And feel better in ourselves for it.
We let loneliness clothe like a blanket
It warms and soothes and understands
It consumes and envelops
And is comfortable and familiar.
Depression sits like smoke on the lungs
It percolates and circulates and diffuses
It poisons us. It chokes.
But we choose it again.
And yet it's not something I am luckily blighted with anymore. Because I found the answer. The remedy to unhappiness and self-loathing and darkness and desperation. I have set my eyes and thoughts on a prize worth competing for. A prize unearned yet freely given. And yet that is not the point of this post. The song tells of a woman so desperate to meet Jesus that she reaches out to touch the hem of his garment. The story in Matthew 9:20-22 is but 2 verses long and yet it resonates with people like me who have felt desperation or despair.
But as Christians it's easy to live in a state of high drama where everything is a gut-wrenchingly hard decision that requires so much sacrifice and changing yet does that really reflect life on a day-to-day basis? Is it not key also to remember God in the small decisions, reflect his love and mercy in our tiny exchanges or mediocre meetings? In the lift, at the checkout, on the bus or train to work, when our mind wanders whilst doing laundry, in the decision to meet a friend when you can't be bothered? Is our life not compiled mainly of such endeavours and encounters? And so we must also consider our thought processes, words and actions in these situations perhaps sometimes even more so. It is the people we see everyday that we can easily neglect or take for granted. What I suggest is that as Christians far from living in a state of nervous anxiety dreading the next time we get that rebuke or conviction or have to make a big decision or action a huge change and seek to safeguard ourselves from the thoughts and circumstances that lead us to those overwhelming feelings of depression, bondage, strongholds, and misery. Desperation is something we should be constantly and consistently be safeguarding ourselves against. It shouldn't be something that we find has crept up on us in the night. We shouldn't find ourselves unexpectedly at the eleventh hour in a mess but rather we should be aware of the power that our thoughts can have on us. The devil loves to hack into our minds and settle himself down nicely and poison and cloud our vision with lies. But with so many warnings littered throughout the Bible should we really be so surprised?
I have lived a life of ups and downs and I think I'll settle for emotional stability for a while. I have plenty of changing to do, visions to see become reality and dreams to watch take flight. But feel this cannot be done without a mental strength and ability to overcome my thoughts. I am bigger than my thoughts, they do not rule me and I do not belong to them. My heart belongs to God. God is bigger than how fat I feel when I look in the mirror or how bad I think my hair looks, He is bigger than that situation at work that makes me feel awkward and nervous and He is bigger than the big stuff, the scary stuff, the stuff you barely dare think about. And He will continue to remain bigger and more faithful than the rubbish you can try and replace Him with, bigger than the lies you feed yourself or start to believe and bigger than the people who let you down. His word can and does conquer all. Use it- read it, internalise it, equip yourself with it and prepare to lay it down. If rock beats scissors his strength beats the stuff that cuts through your self-confidence daily and eats away at you. Don't let yourself get to desperation before you reach out for the hem of his garment. Seek it daily and feel its power work.
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