Introvert in a bubble.

Where I've been at recently:

I miss God, I miss the safety and certainty that comes from knowing that you have given freely and abundantly, completely, wholly your life over to God- that you must rely on him, trust him for everything bar nothing. I miss that being my lifesong, my heartbeat. I miss the covering that comes with a revelation of what salvation in Christ means. I hate that it’s my compromise and impertinent, strident nature that has placed myself willingly in situations leading to sin and even sought them out. I hate that another’s happiness has got caught in the crossfire. I’ve caused and multiplied sin and not just for myself.

I’ve learnt that it is my nature to become self-destructive and inward focused when waves crash and I’ve learnt the patterns it takes- compromise, pride, self-destruction, disengagement and a neglecting of faith. I am introverted by nature which unhelpfully hinders sacrificially seeking God and does not exactly facilitate communication with my saviour, my maker, my king. I’ve learnt that when I gamble with my heart I often lose- perhaps because it’s not mine to give away instead I should wait until it is found claimed not by the highest bidder but by the one set aside by God. That actually the one who has my heart who knows my comings and goings and ordains and numbers my days and has done since before my birth, conception or any human contemplation he made it, he shaped it, he knows what delights it and what shakes it. He knows how easily it weathers and how breakable it is. And it is he that reforms it when it gets ripped or frayed. Only he can sand off the rough edges form it once again into something pure and beautiful. But he also exposes it to the elements, he lets it fare the storm once in a while.

But crucially it is he who covers it. In grace a medicine so sweet and potently powerful it combines with the blood of the saviour to form the very elixir of life. Its taste floods the recipient with light, its unmatched and unparallelled magnificence can raise the dead to life and restore beyond comprehension. It can reach into the past and see far into the future. It requires only the simplest recognition of its power. And mercy- unending and uncompromising mercy strong and mighty not meek and mild. His mercy is not to be underestimated or abused. Its purchase power ransoms and releases. It ends captive droughts and opens the floodgates to a freedom so true and vivid you want to drown.

So when as an introvert you finally wake up and see fit to burst your own bubble you realise how fragile it was, how tentative and vulnerable a custom built world servicing self and self only is. You realise also that just as the sun though distant is also close- its light powerful enough to cover the whole earth, to heat and provide light- the key to life his love covers. It is over and above, 360 degrees in all directions for further than light can reach, stronger and more impenetrable than that which built your bubble or that which burst it. It was always there and it clarifies not muddies the waters. It is the not the key to happiness but it brings so much joy. It is not a pretty metaphor it is the way, the truth, the life. It is not abstract or semantic, it is actual, practically tangible.

Here's another article I recently wrote for Milk&Honey:

Finding your way in the world can be tricky enough without the absence of a parent thrown into the mix. The loss or absence of a parent is undoubtedly one of the most destabilising things to a child. The loss and its impact can reach far beyond childhood and in some cases can affect our relationships well into adulthood and for the rest of our lives. But I believe there is an answer. A way of reconciling that which was lost and what you should always have felt and received from a father- protection, security, love. Traditional though I am not a father is irreplaceable. There is no one that could replace him.

So what are the potential pitfalls that can be had from a missing dad and how can these affect future relationships? Well whether female or male as a child we primarily derive our ideas of masculinity from our dads and from a young age they help form and sculpt our ideas of what role men should and can play in our lives. So the loss of that influence leaves these ideas to be informed by other people, other men who have their own interests at heart –interests that can run contrary to ours. Worse than that, a loss or lack of father figure can encourage an unhealthy dependency on men or an inability to trust them and the unforgiveness that comes with it.

But like I said I believe there is an answer. Jesus. He is ‘the way, the truth and the life’ (John 14:6) and it is through Jesus that we find both truth and forgiveness and reconciliation to the father. Our Father, the one who knit us together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13) and has plans to prosper us, not to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). He is the Father, the one who made the whole universe, put the stars in the sky and knew you, thought of you, and loved you long before the planet was even in existence. The love he feels for you is incomprehensible and incomparable. But the only way to God the Father is through his son Jesus (John 14:6). Through an acceptance that Jesus died for your sins and that he is God and repentance for living your life without him as the priority you will gain a relationship with him.

This paves the way for God the father to work on softening and healing your heart. He can begin to repair the damage that has been done and gently chip away at those deep seated issues and attitudes that have isolated you. He can be what no human father absent or present can be- infallible. He can and will be there all the time. He has no preconceived notions about you or unrealistic expectations, he will not let you down and will not allow you to endure things beyond which you can handle. In fact he’s always been there loving you and waiting for you to return to him.

There is an element in which we are all prodigals and so this is a message for everyone. You need not only have lost a father before you can find one. I was one of the lucky ones – I didn’t grow up in a broken home, I still have both my parents and love my dad very very much. But the realisation that he is fallible still broke me. Realising that there were things my dad couldn’t do came as a stark reminder of the glory of God, the need for him, the desperation with which we must cling to him and the peace that comes with knowing that whatever it is that worries you or keeps you up at night He’s got it. Nothing is too big for him.

All of this is not only available but waiting for you. You have to take the initial decision to meet Jesus and begin a relationship with Him but from there your only choice is strive for more of Him in your life. You can turn fully from a perspective of lack in your life and live in an abundance of love.

Faith is not a hypothetical.

So I’ve recently been learning a lot about faith. Thousands of Christians worldwide are mid-way through Lent- a time of seeking God, sacrifice, and prayerful submission. And for my church this month of March is especially a time of believing for miracles- sacrificing a meal a day and replacing it with prayer to increase faith and see revelation and transformation in our lives. And I must admit it’s been harder than I expected. No, not the going without food, the other bit. The faith bit. The month of fasting has coincided with teaching on faith and I had a few misconceptions or attitudes that have rightly been changed.

Christians I believe, have a tendency to think they have got the whole faith thing down. That once the whole initial barrier to belief is pushed through and faith in God becomes realised that that’s it. But that’s far from all faith is. I seem to have been operating in a sort of ‘No faith please we’re Christians’ type bubble. How much my lifestyle requires faith and how I interweave faith with my everyday life is one of those inconvenient nitty gritty type subjects I just never got round to unpacking. There was just too much else to be concerning myself with right?

I know what you’re thinking how could I have got this far right? Well I do have faith. Faith for the big things- healing for my sister, and father etc. but it’s the everyday faith that I lack. It strikes me now that I may have missed the point. That waiting for the big things to come along before I realise I need faith and then somehow trying and muster it on the spot may be a slightly backwards way of doing things. I am prompted now by the uncomfortable truth that complete dependency on God may rely on the implementation of faith daily. Those little steps of faith. I have already seen a change in my prayer life since I’ve changed my attitude to faith.

I have realised also the importance of preparation for those big things, those sticky situations where you really need to have faith. I’ve learnt that faith and preparation are not mutually exclusive but entirely interwoven and intrinsically linked. I’ve been encouraged by the steps of faith I took last year that have led to great blessing, exposed me to opportunities to extend my passion and awakened the talent that flowed from it. It was God’s prompting and my bravery in putting myself out that started all of this.

This whole faith things clearly requires a lot more thought than I initially anticipated. Rather excitingly it requires action. It is not something that is flat, dead, and cannot be contained on paper or defined in a blog post. It demands attention and exploration. I cannot study it abstractly. To know anything about faith I must act. It is not hypothetical rather it is organic, dynamic.

I have no doubt that I have a lot more to learn about faith. But learn I will. 

Where Do Broken Hearts Go?

We’ve all been hurt at some point, rejected, laughed at, mocked, sometimes unintentionally. But sadly, sometimes relationships break down and fail and when that happens it can feel like your whole world is caving in, like your heart had been put through a shredder and someone’s literally turned your life upside down. So where do we go from there? How do we recover from that desperation, that feeling of such hopelessness where confusion and pity seem to reign sovereign over any logic or reason. Do we ever fully recover? Or do we just gloss over it all and move on?

I’ve had my heart broken and the anger and bitterness I felt was matched only by the fear, sadness and loneliness. I could not say for definite that I felt everything was ever going to be ok again. For some people having a parent walk out on them or growing up in a broken home will do this. For others the heartache will be prolonged or delayed until a romantic relationship fails to live up to expectation or you lose someone but sooner or later most of us will experience a broken heart to some degree.

Luckily, I can say with some confidence that it can and will be ok but it takes a great deal of hard work, true grit, determination and faith. When the ground was ripped from beneath me and my knees were buckling I didn’t want to try, I felt that I shouldn’t have to work hard to repair something I didn’t break, I did not want even to look after myself but eventually I found living bound by fear and anger was no way to live at all. I learnt that I was faced with a decision: the decision to continue to break down or break free.

I have been brought up in Christian household but can’t say I honestly relied upon or truly felt the power of Jesus until I needed his healing, until I needed him to step in and do what I was unable to and what no one else could. It was Jesus that saved me, that broke the chain of endless self-pity and drama. It was the cross that bore the weight of my burdens when I could not. It is his sacrifice that understood and answered the pain I was feeling and in the midst of my tear stained face it was His face I saw smiling back at me loving me despite. His love is complete and absolute. It is over and above, far beyond comprehensible and can preside over any circumstance and situation. He can be what ex-boyfriends or missing fathers, divorce, or death cannot. He has saved us and can lift us from our immediate surroundings and elevate us to a heavenly status. But we must make a decision to accept him and accept what he wants to do for us. We need to have faith and reach out like the woman in Matthew chapter 20 who says to herself, “If I could just touch the hem of his garment I would be healed”. Her faith was key to her healing and Jesus stops in his tracks and says “Take heart daughter. Your faith has healed you” It took Jesus but a moment to heal her but there’s no telling how long it took her to build up the courage to reach out. How often do we feel like that? Feeling at our most vulnerable it is actually when we are strongest. Step out in faith. I promise you you won’t be disappointed.

A Heart Like Yours...

Being a Christian is hard. It is uncomfortable, uncompromising, inconvenient, challenging, tough, and involves self-evaluation and sacrifice on a deeper level than you could have anticipated. But it is worth it. It is the best and most worthwhile decision you will ever make. And once you’ve made the decision seeking God’s heart becomes an intoxicating, captivating process. It’s exhilarating and intense but it’s not always easy. It can involve risking everything- reputation, possessions, relationships but having a heart like Gods is pure unimaginable joy.

The challenge to seek God’s heart and what that means in our daily actions comes as something of a constant challenge. It can come in many guises- feeling convicted to speak to someone who might be a complete stranger, swallowing some pride and telling someone of the miracle of salvation or how God has worked in and changed your life. It could be taking the opportunity to tell some work colleagues about what God is doing in your life or it could be creating opportunities to invite friends to church. But while this may be in the back of our minds as Christians how many of us are willing to go out of our way to seek God’s heart when it’s most inconvenient?

So often in so many areas of our lives we seek and surround ourselves with the comfortable. We do not value change we fear and loathe it. We do not often value light shed on things we happily keep in the dark. But as Christians we must accept that we follow a God that is light and who will banish all darkness. So whatever it is we fear and keep secret is exposed that we may have not only abundant life but true freedom. With this freedom comes responsibility though, obligation you might even argue. See becoming a Christian is kinda like falling in love or discovering something amazing. Something so amazing you can’t help but smile about it and you want to tell the world about it. It becomes urgent and pressing. Or, at least it does initially.

Sooner or later though, like with anything else, you become familiar. It feels less amazing and more normal. But it is that sense of complacency that we must fight against if we are to keep seeking to have a heart like God’s. God doesn’t want us to ever get tired of the miracle of salvation, or feel bored with the amazing love, grace and mercy he has shown us. Ultimately the fact of the matter is if we want a heart like God’s the desire to share his love must remain as urgent and pressing in our hearts and minds as it ever was. Our testimonies must be on the tip of our tongues. We must try to be relentless and unstoppable in this, our mission. And I’m not just talking about incessantly handing out leaflets or standing on a soapbox on a busy Saturday I mean in our everyday interactions- our examples to friends, colleagues, shop assistants, waiters - everyone! Also, though, in our ability and willingness to step outside our comfort zone with new initiatives- creative ways of getting our point across.

This is not about ramming our beliefs down people’s throats or pushing a theological point. It’s about sharing what we know to be the saving grace of God, giving people the option to see and experience it for themselves. The choice will always be theirs. But the decision to share your faith is not. Will you take newer, bolder steps, or stay right where you are? And how much, therefore, do you really want a heart like God’s?

Give yourself a break.

Sometimes having faith is hard. Too hard. And all you can muster is hope- hope that things will get better and that you will learn to trust, that faith will come. That's where I'm at at the moment. There are things in my life where the road ahead is unsteady, my view is obscured, murky. There is light at the end of the tunnel but it looks so small sometimes I think I'm dreaming it. But it is there. It's not always your fault. Sometimes no amount of cajoling yourself into 'keeping the faith', sucking it up or trying to cheer yourself up can shake the blues. But even when you doubt, struggle, sink or swim God is there. He knows those times you wish you could believe for better but can't and He remains exactly where He is throughout. Sometimes I get angry at the implication of this. Sometimes the realisation of this moves me to tears and its impact renders me speechless. Why does he see so much and seemingly no do anything to alleviate the hurt? Sometimes its of comfort. Though I may feel alone, though I may not feel the warmth of His promises cloaked around me He's still there. He is steadfast. So irrespective of how I feel I cling to this truth. I give myself a break because I may not always be able to summon the faith but I do always have hope. When my pride is hurt and all I can do is whisper, whisper is what I'll do until I can shout again. So when there's nothing else to do...hope, pray and take heart that everything will be ok. He is there, He always was and He always will be.

Ever thought about a good kind of jealousy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IO-Cp2kcFjc

How to have a happier new year.

And here's the other article I wrote for them.


How to have a happier New Year
So I usually spend most of my Christmas break overindulging and enjoying catch ups with family and friends I haven’t seen in a while shortly before inevitably seeing in the New Year obsessing about the over indulgence and setting myself some highly unachievable and ill-advised targets to transform myself from drab to fab. This New Year however, I am fully planning on enjoying the festive period indulging (slightly less heavily than normal) and beginning the New Year in high spirits without the usual ‘come-down’. Here are my tips to a happier New Year.

1. Don’t over-indulge too much
Sounds too simple to be true right? Really though not spending the first few weeks of Jan nursing a mammoth hangover is really worth it- makes getting up early to go to the gym that tinsy bit easier- trust me!

2. Develop an attitude of gratitude
Be grateful for what you already have. As the Christmas classic ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ says “No one is born to be a failure. No one who has friends is poor.” Work with what God gave you, get to know it intimately, and learn to love it! Those quirks, that weird flicky thing your hair does, your weirdo embarrassing sibling? –all God-given. Realising the difference between getting what you want and what you need and knowing that God always provides what you need and that we don’t always align that with what we want is key.

3. Work out what you want and fight for it
You have a vision or dream? Write it down, speak it out, confess it, stake it and claim it. Be prepared to fight for it. You love to be creative? Don’t be afraid to have a go, get it wrong, mess it up and try again. Give yourself a break when you do mess it up and congratulate yourself when you keep trying. American athlete Jesse Owens once said “We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline and effort.”

4. Know who you are and recognise who you want to become
Every athlete will tell you that vital to succeeding in sport is knowing your strengths and weaknesses. Know who you are, what drives you and motivates you and what you struggle with. Overcoming your struggles and battling those demons becomes easier when know what your identity is and where it’s grounded. My identity comes from God. I know who I am in him. I know what I need to work on and where I fall short but also where I’m strong.

5. Be intentional
Procrastination is responsible for the biggest waste of talent. Don’t sit around fretting about not achieving your goals or worrying get out there and shake things up. Whether it’s a few extra pounds you want to lose or a novel you want to write nothing ever became of doing nothing. Choose how you spend your time wisely. Spend time with positive life-affirming people who build you up and encourage you.

So those are my tips for a happier new year. For the most part I think they’re applicable to almost all situations. Don’t be too hard on yourself and learn to enjoy the challenge. Who knows this time next year you may not have too much you wish to change! Merry Christmas and a happier New Year.

What if we want to date?

So recently I've been writing for this site www.milkandhoneymedia.co.uk

I've only two articles. Here's the most recent....


What if we want to date?

We all know what it’s like Boy meets Girl. Boy likes Girl. Girl and Boy flirt a little bit and then become boyfriend and girlfriend. And then comes the hard bit- the opinions from the world and his wife on how to act, what to do and when to say those three little words. Defining your relationship and finding a formula that works for you can be tough. Most people get most of their dating advice these days from magazines and rom-coms but what are the rules for dating today? And what does the church say about dating?
Dating can be complicated when you’re a Christian so to simplify I like to go direct to the Bible for some basics. As a Christian I do my best to ensure I live a life that’s holy and pleasing to God and that conforms to the way of life set out in the Bible. It hasn’t always been this way but it certainly is now.

Do not define a godly relationship by worldly standards
As it says in Romans ‘Do not conform to the patterns of this world.’ (Romans 12:2). Do not let the rules and regulations, the dos and don’ts of this world define a relationship where God is in charge. This one I’ve found most helpful in helping define a relationship and its boundaries within a Christian context. It takes the pressure off and keeps me grounded.

Protect your purity and cherish it.
The Bible is clear that to live a Godly life sex must be saved for marriage. It is something God has set aside for the context of marriage and is to be enjoyed within the safety of marriage. Knowing you must not have sex outside marriage is one thing, seeking to cherish this and value your purity is quite another. It has taken me a long time to achieve an attitude that sees it a gift or privilege to set yourself aside for the one man you are going to marry. But I think if you get there it’s worth it and makes the waiting a lot easier!

Date like-minded people
For me this means dating Christian men. To date someone who doesn’t share my faith or believe in God would be strange because it’s so important to me. Also this point has biblical basis: 2 Corinthians 6:14 says ‘Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.’ This makes clear the standard that God sets for relationships in my view. And from personal experience of not heeding this rule it’s a lot harder to establish or maintain a pure relationship with a non-Christian who doesn’t share your raison d-etre.

What form these rules can take and what following them can lead to in a relationship I haven’t figured out yet. But for now, these are my dating rules. Borne partly out of knowing the other side,
making these mistakes and learning from them, and partly from desiring to meet and have a relationship with a godly man. I know now what I want and what I don’t and a little more on how not to act when I think I’ve found it.
For those who feel these rules may not apply because of past actions in previous or current relationships I have written this not from a place of self-righteousness or smug moral and spiritual superiority but having made many of the mistakes these rules advocate avoiding. I have not always been a Christian and my relationships to date have not always had God at the centre. The result has been an unequal yoking and often has ended in heartbreak. But I believe these rules can absolutely be applied to my life now as a single Christian and to my next relationship (which believe you me will be with a Christian, grounded in Godly authority and enriched because of it) so if you’re wondering whether having broken these rules in the past whether you are exempt from having a good, Christian relationship the answer is no. Why not turn over a new slate today and see whether any of these rules might work for you?

Beauty

Believe in the beauty you were given

Strive for it,

Fight for it's promise to be real to you. Fight for the strength, safety and confidence acceptance of it brings.

Above believe that you like a clay jar becomes ever more transparent and invisible showing his greatness and glory. Believe for the beauty you possess to be less assumed and more innate.